Man Flu is Real, Claims Local Man

Hey babe, if you’re going out soon—like, real soon? Would you mind picking up a few things from the store? Just some cough drops. The good kind, not the gross kind. And the tissues that have the lotion in them? Because my nose is so sore. There’s a pile of tissues on my side of the bed that you wouldn’t believe. I’ll pick them up when I’m feeling better, don’t worry.

Hey, if you do go out, could you see if the new Spider Man is out on Blu Ray? But check to see if it has the good extras. Don’t buy it if it doesn’t have the good extras because they’re sure to release one with better extras in a couple of months. And that. Would be. So annoying.

I appreciate you getting those things if you should happen to go out. As long as it’s soon. If it’s not soon, don’t worry about it. I can go myself if I don’t pass out on the way and lose control of my bearings. Or if you’re worried, I guess you could go. As soon as, you know, you feel you can.

By the way, want to hear something funny? You’re going to find this funny.

You know how you like to complain that I’m suffering from “man flu?” Not real flu, as you imply, but, like, some far lesser illness? Maybe just a cold that I’m exaggerating the symptoms of. Maybe for sympathy. Or maybe to get out of a family obligation. As if!

Anyway, you’re going to flip when you hear this. Hey, babe? Babe? Hey!!

Sorry. I wasn’t sure you could hear me. My throat is unbelievably raw. It feels like I swallowed a big bag of gravel and washed it down with broken glass.

Anyway, I was reading this article. It’s about a researcher from Canada who did a study of man flu and wrote it up in the British Medical Journal. The article I read wasn’t that one, though. It was more of a blog, I guess. But the blog was published by Harvard Health. They’ve got a crest and everything.

It seems like there really could be something to man flu after all. Like, if you think about it, men must get the flu sometimes, right? I’ve never heard of men being immune to the flu.

And experts in public health? They recommend the flu vaccine for almost everyone. Women and men. Because a flu shot increases immunity to the flu and can reduce the severity of it if you do get it.

I do wish I’d gotten a flu shot. I really should have gotten it that time you reminded me that I should. Or the other five times you said I should. If I had it to do over again. Like next year, for example.

But I can’t change the past. All I can do—all anyone who’s sick can do—is rest and take it easy. Take fluids. I know, I know: Beer doesn’t count. And get plenty of sleep. And stay in bed. Or on the couch. That’s all I’m saying.

If this gets much worse, I may have to ask you to take me to the doctor. Maybe we should plan a signal, in case I lose my voice. Or worse.

If I slump to the side, and my phone falls out of my hand and then the remote falls out of my other hand, just help me stumble to the car and then drive me to the doctor. Okay?

But don’t worry. I’m going to try my best to beat this.

Because if I’m gone, babe? Who’s going to take care of you when you get sick?

I’d really like to know.